It would be easier being emo

Because I'm in a sookie mood, due to boredom, missing a certain person too much and just simply being depressed I'm going to have a big sookie lala. deal with it. I dont care if you dont read it, as it most probably be worthless to you, but I need a vent.

Other than doing absolutely nothing today I found out that not only did I have the oppotunity to see him next week but that opportunity has been taken away from me. My parents see but do not understand and/or acknowledge. Believing I am a delusional teenager (which I mostly am) I am being weaned off what I want. Meaning today I acted like a total brat. Just because I felt like it and I wanted to.

Also, I realised today after 14 years that not having a tv absolutely SUCKS! I know took me a while but, its in these tough times that you just want to vegitate and pretend the rest of the world doesnt exist. TV is like dope, or alcohol in that aspect. It has a dulling effect, which is perfectly good when needed. I would call a friend and say can I come over, but really I would go over, convince her to watch movies she doesnt want to watch and vegitate for 6 hours. Say goodbye. Thanks for having me over. Not only is that totally selfish, but I would also be losing my friend y using her. Which wouldnt be a good thing as friends is what I need right now. I think friends have the same numbing effect tv has.

You see the simple solution would be to go buy a dvd, or just go to the movies the problem with that is a) I have no money and b) i look like a loser when I walk into the movie theatres alone. And walking into a movie alone makes me feel even more, well, lonely....funny that. The thing is feeling loney is often that a feeling. Emotions, which as a woman I have always based my life decisions on. I guess growing up you must learn that not everything can be based on feelings. Like I can feel lonely but live in a house with 5 people (and a dog), have over 50 contacts in my phone and know any of my school friends who I have not seen would be happy to take my call. The only thing that is stopping me from that call is the feeling that if I sook to them, then there going to be like 'and once again she just called me to have a sook' and I feel like a loser.

When does someone cross the line from confiding to a friend to being just plain annoying and a complainer? Thats the last thing I would ever want. To be known as the one who complains. Maybe its my insecurity, maybe its pride, but its how I feel. (once again feelings come before rational thought)

So its almost the middle of the night and I'm already regretting having an hour nanna nap this afternoon. That means laying awake, listening to my 'sookie lala' songlist on my iPod, knowing my phone is only in the other room and at any time I could get up, message him and he'd call. But I'm too scared to. Its when your in a limbo. I hate limbos. Both the feeling and the game. Both are pointless.

Well my party is in 3 days time. And dad reckons its going to rain. Its going to be heaps fun. 70 people packed into our double garage. It'll be fun at least, a birthday to remember. The days are going too slow. I'm so glad I'm working thursday. its only 11-2, like the shortest shift in the world. But at least it'll make my day go faster. Wont it??

I'm sure your sick of my voice inside your head. Must be off to sit in a limbo in my room (see previous paragraph)

much love
10:4

ps for those who got this far I congratulate you on actually getting through this gibberish. Go watch a movie and vegitate your brain for a while. Maybe you can forget all that was said. ;)